I'm so tired...


Why am i always tired? I'm not that old, am i? **Only 5,015 days, 120,360 hours, 7,221,600 minutes, 433,296,000 seconds.


I feel old. Am I supposed to?


Sometimes i wonder if this is life number 447236595 11E out of so many, and im always been the same person but in different bodies and places.


I feel like im in a perpetual dream. It seems like as i age, it becomes increasingly harder to distinguish dreams from what has happened/is happening. I find that my memories of dreams i remember have now crossed with my memories of real life, confusing things to a point where i remember thinking about that as a dream, but then it's considered a real life happening. It's as if i'm living two lives, and they're starting to merge.


I get a lot of Deja Vu also. It feels like half the things i do i've done before, even if it's new. And then there are the clairvoyant dreams.- I get those all the time.


I'm getting too old for this. For life. Everyday, i can feel myself slipping away, bits and pieces of my energy evaporating in laughter and schoolwork. The daily happenings of life are almost becoming too much, and i can feel it.


Life is too much for me.


Maybe all this crap is just that emotional barrier. I've kept it walled up and under chains for so long that it must be taking root in other forms. Maybe i'm so desperately lonely that my subconcious is making me write this so everyone is worried and thinks i'll kill myself or smoke myself to death in a car with a hose leading inside, windows closed.


I don't want to grow up and have a family. I don't want to fall in love. I don't want to find myself. I don't want to cry over a damn message board. I don't want to spend hours and hours online. I don't want to do homework. I don't want to go to the therapist every other week. I don't want to always be worried about who i am or what others think of me or do i look stupid or whatever.


I just want to sleep.


Sometimes i'll find myself wishing i could just suddenly fall unconcious, or get a stroke, or blackout, or go into a coma in my sleep, or die of carbon monoxide poisoning in my dreams. Or even get cancer and become bedridden. I just want to sleep...


Things are so damn heavy.


It's too much, and i want these dreams to continue forever.


I think i may be insane. They all say insane people don't think i'm insane. Does that mean i'm not?


I wish i could sleep. I wish i could cry more. or is it less?


I wish i could fall over and die.


*don't take this as me wanting to kill myself.
**that's not an accurate number. I didn't count the days right.